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| Joke Name |
Keith Robinson: Named by Affliction
Back in the neighborhood, nobody gave a damn about your feelings. Whatever your affliction, that's what you were called. You had a big head, they called you Big Head. Two fingers? They called you Chicken Wing. |
Tom Shillue: I Don't Care
If she says, 'Which centerpiece shall we use on the tables at our wedding reception?' Don't say, 'I don't care.' Guys, that is gonna seem like the right answer because you don't care. And in your mind, the way guys think, we got the math worked... |
Lynne Koplitz: Manhattan Children
Manhattan children are like weird, uppity little pod children. Did you ever notice that? They're like a little too sophisticated, a little snotty. My friend had me babysit one of her kids. It was, like, a little six-year-old, I guess -- I don't... |
Reno Collier: Abducted by Aliens
This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. It's not funny. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish. |
Dan Naturman: Credentials Up Front
When you're a doctor, you can introduce yourself to people and say, 'Hi, I'm Doctor Whatever-Your-Name-Is.' In other words, you can tell everybody what your credentials are up front, and it's not considered bragging. But nobody else can do that --... |
Henry Phillips: Talking During Sex
There are certain things I think girls aren't supposed to say in the middle of having sex. Like, I have no problem if you're having sex, at some point the girl says, 'Hey, I really like your penis' or whatever. But she would always be like, 'Wow,... |
Mike Birbiglia: Lincoln Quotes
I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit... |
Arj Barker: Friends With Kids
I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And it's gotten to the point where I think they'd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. I'm like, 'Alright, but really, where's the loyalty, man?... |
John Heffron: Second Business
That's what happens to you, fellas, once you get married: whatever your profession is, you open up a second business, which is a small shipping service, and your territory is your house, and you're on call 24/7. You just pretty much sit on the... |
Howard Kremer: Midgets Love Pizza
We all know that midgets love pizza. That's what makes them so easy to kidnap. Here's what you do: you get a hot slice of pizza; you put it in the trunk of your car. You wait like five, 10 minutes, hide behind a tree, and that hungry little guy... |
Mike Birbiglia: Welcome Mike Bahooski
I walked on stage as I heard them say, 'Please welcome Mike Bahooski!', and I was so mad. In my head, I was like, 'You didn't even try! You just said "B" and then whatever you could think of, and you made me Polish. That's a really specific choice.' |
Andre Covington: Practice Good Sex
Practice safe sex, fellas, whatever what you do. I'm gonna go a step beyond that -- practice good sex. Women will appreciate that. Practice good sex. You know it's some unsafe sex if you don't do a good job and you try to go to sleep. Women'll be... |
Faizan: Dialogue for Black Characters
Ain't nobody ever gave me nothing!' -- no matter what the movie be, whatever the actor be doing. He could be fixing some food: 'Hey you gonna finish that?' 'You listen to me, ain't nobody ever gave me nothing!' 'And CUT!' They could be swimming... |
Wanda Sykes: Nephews
I have nephews. They love spending time with us. T they love it because we let them do whatever they want to do -- they're not our kids, we don't care. 'Only thing I have to do is keep you alive, that's it.' They come visit us, man -- 'Oh what?... |
Hugh Fink: Hugh Broke
My father calls me up, he says, 'If you need cash, make a collect call from Hugh Broke. That way I'll wire you the money, but I won't have to pay for the long-distance phone call.' So, whatever, I followed his instructions. I made a collect call... |
Dave Attell: Against Porno
Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.' |
Jack Coen: Less Fight
When I was 22, I'd be like, 'Shut up, man. I ain't gay. Shut up. I'll kill you, man. I'll kill you.' Now I'm like, 'Oh, you think I'm 37? Fine, I'm a queer. Whatever. 35? I'm a little pink cowboy.' |
Johnny Sanchez: New York vs. L.A.
I love it out here, 'cause you guys have personality. There's a lot of character; there's energy out here. I live in L.A., and you can't even say 'Hi' to people in L.A. -- people can't handle that. Here, it's cool, you can say whatever you want.... |
Brian Regan: Food Combinations
I have a friend who swears by food combinations -- have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the... |
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