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| Joke Name |
You Know You're Out Of College When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition. |
College Roast
Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch? |
Demetri Martin: Strange Beast in College
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur. |
Bob Oschack: On Renting Porn
I'm a 31-year-old, college-educated, married man in need of a sexual outlet 'cause my wife is out of town, or she's working late, or she's in the other room reading intently -- I don't care anymore. |
Dan Naturman: Dad Gives the Talk
He sat me down, and he's like, 'OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So anyway, I got you something from the drug store.' I'm like, 'No, I know about condoms.' He's like, 'No -- anti-depressants.' |
Brian Kiley: Psych Paper
I didn't do too well in college. The only class I did well in was psychology. My term paper on dreams was actually published. Do you read Penthouse? I was the guy named JoJo. |
Chelsea Handler: Waiting for College
When I was a little girl, I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity,' and all these big dreams. Then, the third grade ended up being such a nutty year -- and I'm so glad I didn't wait for college 'cause I didn't end up getting accepted anywhere. |
Leo Allen: The Laziest Moment in History
It was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed, very early in the morning. Her alarm clock goes off, and she goes, 'Oh my God, why did I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion. You know what? I... |
Gilbert Gottfried: O.J. Simpson's Kids
I'm really glad that O.J. Simpson has custody of the kids. I think O.J. will make a great father. See, the average parent says, 'Do your homework'; the kid are like, 'Yeah, I'll do it after I get through watching TV.' O.J. says do your homework,... |
Jackie Kashian: Dungeons & Dragons Master Name
There's a guy I went to college with who legally changed his name to his Dungeons & Dragons' dude master name... He went down to the county courthouse and legally changed his name to Quest Akita. Quest Akita -- what Chad doesn't realize is if you... |
Paul F. Tompkins: Migrant Farm-Worker Fantasy Camp
Let's say you did some migrant working in college, right? And you thought you were pretty good, you could have turned pro, but then, I don't know, you broke your leg or whatever. This is your chance to work alongside the greats of migrant... |
Tom Cotter: College Years
I had a 3.0 -- that was my blood alcohol level. |
Tom Cotter: Going to Columbia
I went to Columbia, and I worked for a drug cartel. Then, I went to college. |
Retta: When Friends Complain About Work
She's like, 'I'm the only one who does work around here. If it weren't for me, nothing would get done.' And I'm thinking to myself, 'Yeah, I'm so sure you and your associates degree from community college are what keeps Citibank moving like a well-oiled machine.' |
Jimmy Dore: Finishing College First
You don't get a prize if you finish college first. You know what you get -- a job and a boss. You friggin' lose. |
Highschool Sweethearts
There was once a pair of high school sweethearts. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other... |
Counting Condoms
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display. |
One Arm, Two Arm, Red Arm, Blue Arm
Horace was born with only one arm but he managed to struggle through life and eventually graduate from college. Due to his severe handicap, he couldn't get a job. Finally Horace became frustrated at being turned down all the time and he decided... |
Lucky MotherDucker
Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one. |
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