 |
| Joke Name |
Greg Giraldo: Japanese Scientists
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla. |
Paul Mercurio: Mirrors in the Wild
I think they should have mirrors in the wild, because if some of these wild animals saw themselves, they wouldn't be so cocky. Think about it -- how you look affects how you feel. Why wouldn't that be true for the wild animal kingdom? Like the... |
Rocky LaPorte: Renaming "When Animals Attack"
You ever see that show, 'When Animals Attack'? They should call it, 'When Stupid People Get Bit.' |
Harland Williams: Coyotes
Some animals are smart in the way they get you. How about the coyote? Here's how the coyotes kill you: what they do is they paint a target in the middle of the highway; they fill it up with Acme birdseed. You bend down to eat -- they drop a piano on your head. |
Megan Mooney: Animal Abuser Niece
I have a niece that's an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she's like, 'I love the dog!' And then she'll tackle it and bite its ear. |
Pat Dixon: Older Woman
I was with a lady once, much older than me. She still had a great body, great breasts -- not large, but long. They were like ferrets, actually. They were long with little whiskers on the end. She took off her shirt -- I didn't know whether to do foreplay or make balloon animals. |
Arj Barker: Guess What, Cat?
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't. |
Leo Allen: If Animals Could Talk
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said,... |
Greg Proops: Animal Functions
Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well. |
Eddie Brill: Animal Similes
Whenever we use similes for some reason, we always use animals. And I'll show you what I mean. They say a man's an animal trying to pick up a girl at a bar. He likes to show her he's strong as an ox, sly as a fox, memory like an elephant, can... |
Monkey Programmers
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ''I'll have that monkey please''. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of... |
Animals in the Fridge!
1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? |
Top 10 Reasons To Live In Nova Scotia
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire |
Kid and Animals
There was this teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals, she showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, ''It has a long neck.'' One kid answered,... |
Life's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. |
Step Right Up...
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrvied at her house, they went right for the bedroom. Randy noticed hunders of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals... |
An Atheist and a Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. |
Chucky at the Movies
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" |
Frenchman and Farm Animals
What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? |
| |
