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| Joke Name |
Fun With The States!
What did Tennessee? |
Kevin Kataoka: Good Old Days
Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village? |
Louis C.K.: One of Those Lucky People
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people -- I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat. |
Greg Giraldo: Remember Osama bin Laden?
Remember Osama bin Laden? Public enemy number one. We gotta get bin Laden. Then the new season of 'American Idol' came on, we're like, 'Ah, forget it. Whatever.' |
Jeff Stilson: Forehead Teleprompters for Women
Women should have teleprompters mounted on their foreheads. That way, we could read whatever they wanted us to say and still almost make eye contact and appear sincere. |
Sebastian: Women's Club Wear
I don't even know what these women come out wearing today: clubbing wear, whatever they got. They come out with the little half top on with the wrong half hanging out. Do a sit up -- people are eating. |
Jacob Sirof: New Year's Baby
We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish. |
Shoes
Never say anything about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes - because then you are a mile away and you've got his shoes and you can say whatever the hell you want about him |
Keith Robinson: Named by Affliction
Back in the neighborhood, nobody gave a damn about your feelings. Whatever your affliction, that's what you were called. You had a big head, they called you Big Head. Two fingers? They called you Chicken Wing. |
Julia Sweeney: A Question for God
Who had the biggest, creepiest, deadliest bug crawling on them without them even knowing it, and then the bug almost stings them, but for whatever reason doesn't sting them and crawls off them and only you know about it? |
Mark Pitta: What the President Likes
No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hooker for under $75. |
Tom Rhodes: Childhood Dreams
When I was a little boy, I wanted to be an astronaut. That was, like, my first dream in life. Whatever happened to childhood dreams like that, huh? How come this ain't a room full of ballerinas and firemen? |
Dave Attell: Against Porno
Some people are against porno movies, and I say, 'Hey, Ohio, Kentucky and Iran!' I say, 'Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey is their gosh darn business.' |
Tony Rock: Alcohol Is a Drug
I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, 'Alcohol's a drug.' Not me, I call it a vitamin. 'Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it. |
Reno Collier: Abducted by Aliens
This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. It's not funny. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish. |
John Heffron: Second Business
That's what happens to you, fellas, once you get married: whatever your profession is, you open up a second business, which is a small shipping service, and your territory is your house, and you're on call 24/7. You just pretty much sit on the... |
Andre Covington: Practice Good Sex
Practice safe sex, fellas, whatever what you do. I'm gonna go a step beyond that -- practice good sex. Women will appreciate that. Practice good sex. You know it's some unsafe sex if you don't do a good job and you try to go to sleep. Women'll be... |
Keith Robinson: Difference in Reward Money
America's Most Wanted' -- can't stand that show. I don't mean to be a little, you know, whatever, but if you notice when they have rewards for the white kids, any amount of money'll do: '$50 million. Who's seen our little Joey?' Little black kid: 'Alright, $50 and a bucket of chicken. Who's seen him?' |
Malik S.: This Is a Job
I don't really do, like, a big exploding joke at the end 'cause this is a job and I treat it just like you treat your job. Whatever it is you do for eight hours a day, right before you clock out, you don't start doing yours extra good, do you? |
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