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| Joke Name |
June 7, 2009
The longest amount of time a message-in-a-bottle spent at sea was 92 years, 229 days when it was finally caught by a fisherman named Mark Anderson of Shetland, UK in 2006. Apparently, the message contained no news. |
Executive Decision
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell." |
Bill Burr: Don't Kill Your Wife
What's up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that sh*t -- guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they... |
Afghani TV Guide
MONDAY |
Parachutes for two
Michael Jackson, his lawyer, and a small, cute boy are on a plane when the plane suddenly develops engine troubles. |
Bill Gates, Super Ego
One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but... |
Darryl Lenox: News Junkie
If you're a big news junkie and you're worried about this or that, I've got some bad news for you: neither Bill O'Reilly or Bill Maher's gonna come to your funeral. |
Demon Babies
One day there was a woman who was about to have babies. She went to a fortune teller and the fortune teller said she would have twins - and they would be demons. The news somehow got on TV, so there were FBI agents and cops in the hospital room... |
Adam's New Organs
One day God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." |
WINDERS 98
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: |
Contraceptives '98
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Brutus' Last Stand
A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks, "Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up? |
Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University: |
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner...
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." |
Arj Barker: Did You Score?
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what -- news flash, guys -- a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual... |
Dave Mordal: Day Sleeper
I sleep during the day, which is such a weird thing, to be a day sleeper, because you get that call at three in the afternoon, and you think, 'Ooh, bad news.' |
John Caparulo: Not Watching the News
My friends guilt trip me, 'You hear what Bush said today? You see his speech?' 'Uh, no.' 'How could you miss that?' 'I guess I got more channels than you do, dude. It wasn't on Nickelodeon. I don't care.' 'What about the education system and gay... |
Handbags
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police... |
Mike Britt: Too Much of Our Business
We tell too much of our business. I don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? We're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything... |
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