 |
| Joke Name |
Steve White: Rap Violence
Rap music is violent, man. Rappers getting killed left and right: Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. What's going on, man? They're killing the best rappers. I got news for you -- Vanilla Ice is still alive. I got his beeper number. Come on, Ice Cube, let's form a lynch mob and get his ass! |
Chuck Booms: Diversity News
We've got to have every goddamn nationality at that news desk. I am so sick of that sh*t I could scream. Give me four white guys, four black guys, all women -- I don't care -- but do I have to have a g**damn UN meeting every time I turn on the set? |
Kevin Brennan: News for Vegetarians
Well, you know, plants are living things, too. They're just easier to catch. |
Arj Barker: Good News About Smoking
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging. |
Mike Britt: Too Much of Our Business
We tell too much of our business. I don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? We're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything... |
David Feldman: Clinton-Lewinsky Scandal
I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what oral sex means to my wife. |
Wayne Federman: Athlete's Foot
I went to the doctor last week and found out I have athlete's foot. No -- great news for me because in high school I was cut from the JV basketball team for not being athletic enough, and now, apparently, years later, we find out that I have a disease that |
Greg Giraldo: Doomsday Scenarios on the News
You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves. |
Craig Shoemaker: Never Pulled Over in a Minivan
There is good news about a minivan. I'm telling you, you never get pulled over in a minivan. You could have a hooker strapped to your hood, doing Mach 5 -- the cops'll go, 'Eh, let him go. He's suffered enough, for God sakes.' |
John Caparulo: Not Watching the News
My friends guilt trip me, 'You hear what Bush said today? You see his speech?' 'Uh, no.' 'How could you miss that?' 'I guess I got more channels than you do, dude. It wasn't on Nickelodeon. I don't care.' 'What about the education system and gay... |
Arj Barker: Did You Score?
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what -- news flash, guys -- a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual... |
Joe Clair: Ashamed of "Jerry Springer"
White people, don't be embarrassed, because we have a show that makes us feel the same way -- it's called the news. |
Christopher Titus: Watching the News with Your Child
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian -- don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all. |
Christopher Titus: Truths From Dad
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because... |
Dave Mordal: Day Sleeper
I sleep during the day, which is such a weird thing, to be a day sleeper, because you get that call at three in the afternoon, and you think, 'Ooh, bad news.' |
Darryl Lenox: News Junkie
If you're a big news junkie and you're worried about this or that, I've got some bad news for you: neither Bill O'Reilly or Bill Maher's gonna come to your funeral. |
Carlos Mencia: Women in the Workplace
What do you come out on the news saying? 'We want to be treated like equals in the workplace.' No you don't. You want to be treated like a woman in the workplace, and you want to get paid like an equal. That's what you want. Because when men treat... |
David J. Nash: Crime in New York
I've been living in New York City now for four years. To this day, every time a crime in New York makes news at home, my dad calls. He called me last week: 'This old woman was beaten and mugged. Are you OK?' |
Harland Williams: Facial Procedure
My sister had this procedure where she goes in, she gets some of the fat sucked out of her bottom and injected into her cheeks to give her that fuller facial look. Now, the bad news is she doesn't look any better. But the good news is I now officially get to call her 'ass-face.' |
| |
