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| Joke Name |
David Alan Grier: Old Relatives
All of my relatives got old in one day. I came back this past year, everybody looks the same: they're all fat, bald, with a mustache. Men, women, kids -- I don't know who I'm talking to half the time. |
Cathy Ladman: The Problem With Marriage
The problem with marriage is it involves men and women. |
Wanda Sykes: Not the Same for Ladies
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh -- it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in... |
Greg Fitzsimmons: Spoons
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms -- spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork. |
Sue Murphy: What I Want in a Woman
I relate to men so much, I thought maybe I should date women. And then I thought, what would I want in the perfect woman? And I think it would have to be -- a penis. |
Kevin Nealon: Three Stages of Manipulation
It's amazing how women can get what they want from men... They go through three stages: it's sexy, then the little girl, then bitchy. |
Darrell Hammond: Wrong Number
Women solve problems faster than men. Ever see a woman dial a wrong number? Operator tells her to check the number and dial again, she'll check the number and dial again. There ain't a man in this room that will check the number and dial again.... |
Darrell Hammond: Bragging
Women won't even brag about [giving birth]. Why don't you brag about it? Brag, ladies, damn it. 'Cause fellas, right -- we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house. |
Pablo Francisco: Spanish Soap Operas
The women are very beautiful, and they never cry. It's always the men who cry. |
Ardal O'Hanlon: Acute Pain
And there's a reason for this, why men experience pain more acutely than women -- that's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes. |
Bill Burr: On Young Women Marrying Old Men
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it. |
Jeff Stilson: Marriage Favors Men
Marriage is clearly an institution that favors men. It's a statistical fact that, on average, women who never get married live longer than women who do, but men who never get married don't live as long as men who do. That's why we buy women the... |
Tracy Smith: The Only Woman on Earth
If it weren't for women, I'd have all the men I need. I'd be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. You'd be my loyal subject -- not for sex, just to fetch me stuff. You could bring me food, 'cause if I'm gonna be the only woman on Earth, fat's coming back in style. |
Rudy Rush: No Sex in the Dark
See, what you women don't understand about men is we need to see things. We need to see facial expressions. We need to see arms moving, sweat dripping. Plus, in the dark that sh*t is scary. |
Russ Meneve: Bipolar
I think I'm bipolar because, when I get drunk, I dress up like a white arctic bear and I have sex with men and women. |
Jimmy Carr: Sexual Peak
Women reach their sexual peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes. |
Jimmy Carr: Why Men Use Viagra
The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly. |
Lynne Koplitz: The Universe Loves Women
I think that genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men, and I'll tell you why: 'cause if you look at our stuff -- I mean, it's all kind of gross -- but at least with women, it's all organized. It's like God made a little... |
Reno Collier: Abused Husband Shelter
They're having trouble now where women are beating up their husbands. Did you hear about that? It's gotten so bad that they even have a shelter for the men that get beat up. It's called 'Bed Bath and Beyond.' |
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