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| Joke Name |
Playing Doctor
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. |
Jim Gaffigan: Big Family Burn Out
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.' |
Amy Schumer: Negative Three
In New York I'm, like, a six -- seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, 'What the f**k is that?' Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, 'Beyonce calls it... |
Childless Smokey the Bear
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have children? |
Jeffrey Ross: "My Girl Giggles" Poem
The first time I asked her to dance, / she just smiled and nodded her head and giggled. / And when I asked her to be my wife, / she just smiled and nodded her head and giggled. / When I asked her how many children she wanted to have, / she just... |
Jeffrey Ross: My Mother's Poem for My Father
I love you and you love me. / But you eat like you have two buttholes. Put a shirt on, / you're scaring the children. / And put some pants on, / you're scaring the cat. |
Cory Kahaney: Save the Children
I'm watching TV with my father late at night 'cause he doesn't sleep. And you know that commercial for 'Save the Children'? The one that comes on really late, where the lady goes, 'For the price of a cup of coffee, 67 cents a day'? My father and I... |
Afghani TV Guide
MONDAY |
People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth? |
David Feldman: Parents' Responsibility
It's the parents' responsibility to sit your children down and teach them shame of their bodies. |
David Feldman: Greatest Weapon Against Teen Pregnancy
Our greatest weapon against teen pregnancy is instilling in our children a sense of self-loathing because we have an epidemic of young Americans who see their naked bodies and don't know it's the work of Satan. |
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. |
Old People And Nastiness
A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back. |
Michael Jackson
What's the diffrence between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? |
Maria's Vida Loca
Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward. |
New Lifesavers' Flavor
It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. |
Santa's Erection
It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay." |
Christmas Chimney Congestion
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children? |
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