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| Joke Name |
Richard Jeni: Lobster Tank
They're one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks -- no cow tank. |
Life's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. |
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull." |
Colin Quinn: Lions Are a Joke
You go to safari, you're going to find out the lion is a joke... They're big over here; in Africa, the other animals laugh at them. They're like idiots with mullets. |
Eddie Pence: Marking Territory
Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything. |
Top 10 Reasons To Live In Nova Scotia
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire |
Pantyhose
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? |
The Day Owl and The Night Cat
In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars. |
Monkey Programmers
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ''I'll have that monkey please''. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of... |
More Stupid Quotes
On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?” |
Pat Dixon: Older Woman
I was with a lady once, much older than me. She still had a great body, great breasts -- not large, but long. They were like ferrets, actually. They were long with little whiskers on the end. She took off her shirt -- I didn't know whether to do foreplay or make balloon animals. |
Arj Barker: Guess What, Cat?
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't. |
Greg Proops: Animal Functions
Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well. |
Paul Mercurio: Mirrors in the Wild
I think they should have mirrors in the wild, because if some of these wild animals saw themselves, they wouldn't be so cocky. Think about it -- how you look affects how you feel. Why wouldn't that be true for the wild animal kingdom? Like the... |
Gorilla in Heat
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem was that she was in heat. What to do?... |
Megan Mooney: Animal Abuser Niece
I have a niece that's an animal abuser. You ever see kids who love animals, but they beat the tar out of them? Right, she's like, 'I love the dog!' And then she'll tackle it and bite its ear. |
David Cross: Delicious Ugly Animals
If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo. |
Mark Craig Taylor: When Young Guys Chase Women
Young guys go chasing women every night. You do that, you're called party animals. Do that in middle age, you're called a lonely alcoholic. |
Yo' Mama Is So Nasty... Petting Zoo
Yo' Mama is so nasty, the animals at the petting zoo make her wear gloves. |
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